The locked door

Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you feel like you are trapped in a certain space, but a locked door is a blessing.

For a short time, I lived in a two bedroom apartment that had the shower and sink in one room and the toilet in another. The door handle to the room with the toilet was broken. I knew this. Everyone that came over knew this. A few times out of habit, I’d gone in and swung the door closed and was unable to get back out without someone from the outside using pliers on the lock mechanism to reopen the door.

One day after attending classes, I returned home mid-afternoon. Without thinking, I went to use the toilet and heard the door click behind me. I was locked in and this time I was home alone.

The room was smaller than most public restroom stalls. The tank was mounted to the wall and there was space to stand to each side of the toilet and to the front but not much more.

My first response to my situation was to laugh because, it was so ridiculous and, really, how hard could it be to pick the lock? Over the next six hours or so I didn’t continue to be that amused.

‘Hahaha’ swiftly turned to ‘all I need to do is this…or this…or maybe this’. At one point I had the idea to remove the float arm from the tank and then soon discovered it was a useless tool to open the door anyway. I needed the pliers that were sitting just outside the door.

I tried yelling for help. Nothing.

I spent tremendous amounts of mental energy imagining how my afternoon might have gone differently. I played out scenarios about how I would eventually get out. I made mental lists of all kinds, imagined in detail what I would eat once I had access to the kitchen again. Eventually, I did a yoga sequence from the lid of the closed toilet seat and then continued to battle my mental chatter before I settled into a seated meditation.

When you have done everything you can from where you are, sometimes the only thing left that makes any sense is to accept ‘what is’ and make fresh choices from that reality.

Late that night I was freed. The next day the lock and handle were replaced.

You can know things. And then you can really know things. I knew that lock needed to be fixed but I was busy with my life. I was busy wanting what I wanted. What things do you know you need to fix? Your relationship with…yourself, another person, with food, an addiction, your working life? What wants in your life do you use to justify staying stuck in a place that doesn’t provide you with what you need?

A locked door is like the gift of a key in your hand along with a message that says, ‘choose another way’.

Sometimes it is hard to see clearly when you feel like you are trapped in a certain space, but a locked door is a blessing.