One morning when my daughter was about three we were running late to go somewhere and I was trying to get her ready quickly. She wanted to wear this new hairband with a giant flower on it and when I put it on her I somehow poked her in the eye with one end. She immediately started to scream and I felt instantly sick. After a few minutes when she still couldn’t reopen her eye, I became increasingly afraid of what I would see when her eye finally did open. I’m not sure if it was a look that came across my face or the sound in my voice coaxing her, “please, show me your eye, sweetie…” but between my daughter’s sobs she managed to get out the words, “It’s okay, Mama.”
I’d been forgiven.
Imagine in your own life being capable of forgiveness even when you are still hurting.
Forgiveness = Freedom
Being forgiven by another person is largely out of your hands. You can be sorry, make amends and do better from that moment on but if the person you have wronged is unwilling to forgive, there is nothing you can do to force forgiveness. Does that mean you still need to shoulder the burden until the other person can let go of the past? I don’t think so. Freedom is a choice. Accept your current relationship as a place to move forward from. Leave the past where it is; choose to be free.
Being the one who forgives is also not dependent on the behaviour, choices and perspectives of the other person. That’s because forgiveness isn’t about winning or being right or about receiving an apology. It is also not about condoning poor behaviour or admitting defeat. Forgiveness happens in your mind when you free yourself from your grip on the past and of your belief that someone was not who you hoped. It means that you can start fresh with that person or start fresh without them. It allows every experience to become an opportunity -no matter how painful- to learn.
Forgive? Never.
What about a time when forgiving someone wasn’t even something you could talk about never mind act upon? How did that feel in your body to carry around the weight of such ‘unforgiveness’? How did it exploit your energy that could have been used to cultivate joy? How did that voice in your head keep you rooted in the past by saying, “I can not get over what happened to me,” or “You were not the (parent, spouse, sibling, friend, lover, business partner) I wanted you to be.” How did the refusal to forgive hold you back from responding to life in the present?
‘Unforgiveness’ is exhausting. It is a waste of your resources and doesn’t facilitate personal growth. Holding a grudge against someone else, plotting revenge or replaying the story over and over again in your mind is one of the greatest injustices you can inflict upon yourself.
Think of it this way,
“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” ~ Anne Lamott
So how, oh how, can you forgive even the unforgivable? Therapy might be one way. Meditation may also be a valuable tool. Here are some practices to try…
Recognize the Humanity of Others
There is a meditation that I have worked with for many years that I have found to be valuable. It is a Loving-Kindness Meditation you can practice that could help you recognize the simple truth that you are a beautiful and flawed human being surrounded by other beautiful and flawed human beings. The meditation uses visualization and guided repetition directed toward yourself, a person you love and finally, a person or situation you find difficult.
Try the audio file of the Loving-Kindness Meditation available on the left sidebar of this blog.
A tip: Sometimes when I struggle with directing loving-kindness toward myself, those I love and especially those who I experience as difficult, I will try to imagine the person in my mind’s eye as vulnerable in a way that is relevant to me when I think of them or I visualize the person as a child.
Let Go Enough To Forgive – One Layer at a Time
Since there are some tough nuts to crack on the forgiveness front, here is another practice that I have been exploring that may be useful for you too. Again, I would begin this after you have allowed yourself time to move into a calm, receptive and meditative state. Watch your breath move in and out and gradually release places of tension in your body. Imagine the person you wish to forgive standing opposite to you. If it is possible (but it’s not necessary), imagine you hold both of their hands in yours, make eye contact and smile. Then imagine you say to this person, “I forgive you.” Without needing anything from them in return, continue to say the same words, “I forgive you.” Notice how this feels in your body as you imagine these words directed toward the person you hold in your mind. Watch how you might push this experience of forgiveness away or wander off into a daydream about all the ways you have been wronged. Stay focused on the person and your physical responses. Gently continue if possible, “I forgive you.” Continue without expectation of resolution, only with an open curiosity of how your body responds each time you direct these words toward the mental image of the person you wish to forgive. You might also begin to work with a phrase on your inhalation, “I forgive you,” and a phrase on your exhalation, “I am free.” Continue for as long as you have decided to beforehand. After awhile, when you feel ready, eventually allow the person (opposite to you in your imagination), to fade away from your mind’s eye as though the sun were shining brightly. Allow them to be released from your sight as they dissolve into bright light behind their back. Allow yourself to feel the freedom of forgiveness. It doesn’t have to happen all at once. Enjoy the freedom of letting go of some of that weight you have been carrying.
P.S. No lasting or serious injuries of eyeballs were endured if you were worried. Phew. Phew. Phew.
