‘And’ two things were equally true

There were two people I used to know who I still think of sometimes. The love between them was really beautiful. Let’s call them the ‘running couple’.

The woman had married young and had children. Her marriage was difficult and she went through a very turbulent and expensive divorce.

After a couple of years in an apartment, she had saved enough for a downpayment toward the purchase of a small house.

She was a runner and kept literally crossing paths with another runner who lived on her new street. Almost immediately they became inseparable.

He was wide-eyed and in love with everything she did and with everything her kids did. He was amazed at his good fortune to have them all in his life.

She was equally taken with him. She was having fun for the first time in years, had more energy to be a better parent and she simply couldn’t imagine her future or her kids’ futures without him. Her gratitude was endless.

And then, she made a surprising decision. She chose to get back together with her ex-husband.

After the break-up (or reunion depending on your perspective), the running couple were devastated about what this decision meant for their future. A light had gone out in both of them.

They loved each other. They also believed they were making the best decision for all involved. Two things (and more) can be equally true.

Isn’t it possible to be scared and courageous? Honest and kind? Exhausted and alert?You can be surrounded by people who love you and feel unloveable. Experience guilt and fulfillment. You can be committed to a healthy lifestyle and find out you are sick.

What if the thing you seek or choose isn’t either/or? What if it is both/and. Letting go of either/or can be liberating. It might even be the shift you need to access the strength to follow what your heart knows to be true.

A few years ago, I added a small round charm to the necklace I always wear that hangs at my upper centre chest. I had the word ‘and’ engraved on it.

I added it to remind me of the ‘and’ when I am feeling stuck, unsure or for when my thoughts cling to what isn’t. It was an attempt to reject binary perspectives and to move into the possibilities of wholeness. Sometimes the ‘and’ around my neck reminds me about my sincere intention to live the ‘and’ inside my heart. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Here is a meditation practice that is another way to move into the wholeness of the ‘and’:

Take a few breaths and simply pay attention to where you notice the inhalation and exhalation the most in the trunk of the body. Is it at the belly as it rises and falls? Or is it more at the upper chest? There is no right answer, just notice what you feel and where you feel it. Choose the place that becomes most obvious to you and let it become your intention to breath from this place, radiate outward with each inhalation and relax with each exhalation. Expand from the place you notice in the trunk, expand a little more, and then a little more still until your awareness fills the trunk of your body. Then, include the limbs and neck, then reach the tips of the fingers and toes and the entire skull. Let your awareness finally reach to the skin so that it feels like you can breath and embrace the whole body with your attention.

Use this meditation for a few consecutive days or weeks and then start to expand this to include how you see a room, the forest when you are on a hike, the way you see another person’s face. Whatever it is, find the place you are drawn to and expand your awareness into the whole. Practice seeing (and living) the ‘and’.