The first 10-day Vipassana Meditation Course I ever attended, I thought I knew what was in store for me. I would be in seated meditation for about 10+ hours a day, it was a silent retreat, there would be no access to the outside world through technology, and in addition, reading, writing and music were not permitted.
What I didn’t anticipate was that when all else is really quiet, the mind can be an absolute circus…on repeat.
Even though I had a regular meditation practice, it was the first time I had spent numerous full days in a row meditating. I had watched my clinging and aversion before. What was different this time was to watch my thoughts on a kind of movie reel that was looped to play again and again and again. There were many narratives on this endless loop. Here are examples of three tedious ones that partway through the course decided to throw in the towel:
Tedious thought pattern #1
On the drive to the Vipassana Centre, I received a speeding ticket. A big, expensive one that I badly wanted to lament over. I played out why I took the route I did when it made more sense to go a different way. Why was I speeding when I wasn’t in a hurry? I listed numerous ways I acted recklessly. I countered with ways I was very responsible. When the police officer pulled me over and said ‘X’ why did I say ‘Y’? I could have said ‘A’, ‘B’ or ‘C’. The way the officer jumped into traffic to pull me over was dangerous in my opinion. Why didn’t I say ‘X’. What if the police officer then responded with ‘Y’. On and on I went about what I did and what I didn’t do. What if… What if… What if…
Tedious thought pattern #2
Once I was shown to my room, I got out my meditation stuff to set up in the hall for that night’s first meditation session. I had my cushions, my shawl, some comfy layers but my cozy socks were nowhere to be found. When I looked further in my bag I realized I didn’t pack a single pair of socks, cozy or otherwise. I only had the thin pair I had on my feet that I’d worn to work that day. The ten days ahead stretched into a lifetime without socks. I immediately made a plan in my head, “I’ll wash them after the last sit on the second day and dry them overnight on the baseboard heater. Then I’d resume the schedule on the 4th, 6th, and 8th day. They are thin,” I reasoned. “How long could they really take to dry?” Answer: longer than between lights out and the 4 a.m. morning bell. Clinging to my memory of comfort was relentless.
Tedious thought pattern #3
And a third torment was the rule around exercise; only walking was permitted during free time so that meant no yoga for ten days. I knew this going in and still it wasn’t something I wanted to accept. After my first 10 hours, I was convinced that I would never walk with ease again because my legs would remain in a permanently folded position for the rest of my life. I was also pretty sure my upper back was breaking a little more each hour of meditation in a unique way that ensured my lungs couldn’t expand efficiently to draw in adequate oxygen. I needed yoga or so I told myself. My morning yoga practice at home was elevated to a utopian dream from the distant past. I wondered if the seated spinal twists or forward bends I’d done in the meditation hall counted as breaking the rules. What I played out in my mind (with satisfaction) was the dialogue that might ensue if I were ever questioned about this defiant act.
Are there variations of these thought patterns that you can relate to; ways you push away or hang on to an idea, a plan or a relationship? The mind is constantly commenting, evaluating, jumping forward and back from the future to the past about your clinging or your aversion. Sometimes the mind grapples with bigger issues and other times the minutia of life.
Consider this:
The helpful mind uses the past and the future constructively.
An unhelpful mind is used by the past and the future; it is held hostage by what has been and what might come to be while obscuring the moments that unfold in the present. The unhelpful mind disperses your energy into the details of the past and future.
What situations in your life right now do you catch yourself having an internal chat about? What might you declutter, from the activity in your head, if you could shine a light on those regular mini mind dramas?
Choose to gather the energy you exploit when you run away from what is difficult. Harness the effort you put into hanging on to the past, to what isn’t working or to a life that will never come to be. Let go. Redirect it all to what matters to you, right now in the present.
Imagine the power of that?
Imagine too what and who you might choose to be part of your moment-to-moment life if you believed in the true power of your intention and attention.
This week, spend a little time each day listening-in on the voice inside your head and then with courage and determination choose to focus on what is instead.
Much love and have a beautiful week,
Katherine 🙂
