My daughter just turned 12 and is swiftly moving into womanhood. I am watching her regularly occupy two worlds; that of a child and of an emerging young woman. It is sometimes heartbreaking to watch, I want to fix what’s difficult. When I am mindful, I also realize all of it is necessary and achingly beautiful.
Consider this: No matter how old you are, growing pains are a constant part of life when you are committed to growing as a person.
I flew to France on my own when I was 12 to visit my best friend who had moved there for a year with her family.
The airline I went with offered an ‘Unaccompanied Minor Service’ which meant one of the flight attendants was assigned to me. She led me from check-in, through security to the departure lounge. I didn’t wait long before there was a pre-boarding call and I was escorted again to my seat which was the first window seat in economy after the business class section. No one was sitting beside me.
Early on during the fight one of the pilots came to join me. I assumed it was part of the kids program where I would get to see the cockpit, which was common on most airlines pre-9/11. There was no mention of the cockpit though, he just chatted with me about all kinds of things. I really liked him. He was funny and easy to talk with and he asked if he could join me for dinner later on during the flight. I said I would love it. This was the pilot, after all, and I was 12. I was super excited to have his attention.
When it came to the dinner service he brought me some nice extras from the business class menu; some fresh bread, cut fruit and an extra dessert. He also went back for wine and two real wine glasses. The conversation over dinner felt different. It was very grown up. The pilot talked about all the wonderful things he would show me once we landed in Paris. Everything he suggested sounded incredible. I was well aware he didn’t realize I was 12 or that I had a connecting flight to Marseille. Once the flight attendant who had assisted me earlier saw with adult-eyes that the situation needed attention, she enthusiastically yelled at him en française. The predominately one-sided conversation was spoken too fast and with too many French words I didn’t know but her tone along with a peppering of, “elle a douze ans,” (she is 12 years old) was enough. His reaction also said a lot; his face went a deep crimson and he sheepishly left. I was also embarrassed and felt like I’d done something wrong.
The young woman in me had appreciated being treated like an adult. My emerging independence loved the sound of adventuring in Paris between flights and was eager to appear like I did that kind of thing all the time. I was also enough of a kid to know I was out of my depths, that I’d never make it through drinking a glass of wine without cringing and that the jig was sure to be up before the flight was once my ‘unaccompanied minor’ status was revealed amongst adults.
After we landed, the flight attendant was determined to get some details from me about what I spoke about with the pilot and if I had consumed any alcohol. I was stubbornly uncooperative. In my mind she had transformed into the enemy from my original perspective of helpful guide. From where I stood at 12 years old, I didn’t see the full picture. I didn’t have enough varied experiences to draw from.
Isn’t this a common story for all of us at every stage of growth? Sometimes you see enemies and obstacles where help exists. Sometimes you simply need greater life skills or resources before you make the big decision or move away from a situation that isn’t working. Trying on a role can also feel good and be instructive even if it doesn’t make sense and you aren’t yet ready to radically change your life.
What if, however, your situation is different than that?
What if you have stood still so long in the place you’ve comfortably occupied -the job, relationship, lifestyle- that you have stopped enjoying the conversation, the nice bread, fresh fruit and extra dessert…what if you don’t feel like you deserve the possibility of exploring Paris? Isn’t that when you must make it a priority to come home to yourself and build practices that nourish you? Isn’t it worth the effort to take the steps toward living your fullest life?
Or maybe you are currently observing someone you love stuck in the same developmental stage, addiction or role that will never serve them? Sometimes it is appropriate to intervene and course correct and sometimes your own growth depends on lovingly observing the person you care about figure out the rest of their travels.
Growing pains are a constant part of life when you are committed to transforming into the newest version of yourself.
Remove the roadblocks by paying attention to the details of your life. Explore Paris like a twelve year old and intentionally occupy two worlds; that of a curious and excited child and through your emergent self who is ready and willing to experience the journey. Imagine a world where we all maintained a commitment to ourselves like that: it would be difficult, necessary and achingly beautiful.
